Thursday, 31 December 2009

My Noughties

I thought that this being my last post of the year and the decade that I would write about my Noughties. As I was thinking of the last 10 years of my life (which is a scary thought) I realised that my Noughties fell into three categories, live music, men and my career.

Live Music

I have written in the past about my passion for music, especially live music and I’ve been really really fortunate that I’ve had the opportunity to see some great and some not so great bands/artists in the past 10 years. I’ve been to 9 festivals and countless gig, I did a rough count up and I’ve been to at least 5 gigs a year for the past 10 years which is 50! Which means with the main headlines plus support acts and not to mention the festivals that over 100 possibly 200 bands/artists I’ve seen, that’s amazing.

 I’ve had the chance the travel to the USA and Europe to see bands including being flown the Washington DC to see Bon Jovi for my 21st Birthday in 2001 and a very drunken weekend in Germany to see the Rolling stones and AC/DC for my 23rd Birthday in 2003. (Yeap you guessed it the Noughties was also my 20’s!). Even being pregnant didn’t stop me from gigging and I went to two festivals while very heavily pregnant, though having a baby now makes gigs that little bit harder and I have to really choose carefully who I want to see as I can’t afford to do too many, 2010 brings The Editors, Bon Jovi and V Festival!.

My favourite gig of the Noughties was seeing Pearl Jam at the Astoria in London, the Astoria is a small, dirty, dark venue but is (or was as it no longer exists) the best place to experience live music, I stood 4 rows from the front and stood in awe as they played all my favourite songs!


 The 1st half of my Noughties brought some amazing and some damn right awful relationships for me. I really had terrible taste in men and had my heart broken more than a few times. There were some older men, a toy boy which my friends nicknamed the boy which actually turned out to an apt name for him, there was also a gut who dumped me by text (told you terrible taste in men) and then there was the on/off relationship I’m sure most of you have experienced at some point. This wasn’t a great relationship that went on for almost 5 years and drove to despair most of the time. It was passionate and volatile and I was forced by my best friend on New Years Eve 2005 to promise I would never go back to him again (after he had broken my heart yet again) and I never did.

2006 was the best year for me and it was the year I met and fell in love with OH, we moved in after 5 months and we have never had an argument.

I have spent most of Noughties trying be “someone” and “have it all”, though I’m not that sure even now what that means. I started the Noughties as a barmaid (I was actually working when the clock struck twelve), it was the only job I could do as I didn’t really have any experience and I had quit college so I could work full time to pay the bills. I worked hard and became bar supervisor and promotions manager, which loosely translates as skivvy who puts up posters, but the money was pretty good. I thought for a while I was become a bar manager but the thought of working 60 hours a week really didn’t appeal to me so I went back to college and in my second year went to work at Sainsbury’s as the money and hours were better, though I still did a few shifts in the pub. I spent the next 4 years studying and working my way up in Sainsbury’s I started stacking shelf’s on the night shift, then moved to the checkouts and then store trainer. Two week after finishing my degree and I was promoted to Assistant Personnel and Training Manager at another store, this was to be my downfall and the best thing that was to ever happen to me. I know now that wasn’t ready for the role they gave me, nor was a ready when they made a standalone assistant manager, I was inexperienced but too excited and pig headed to see this. I thought this was my chance to be “someone” to prove myself and move up to HR manager, earn a really good wage and be super happy, I mean that’s how it work doesn’t it? You get qualifications, work hard, move up the career ladder and then find a man, have a family a live happily ever after, “have it all”, right? Er, no! I finally realised that I was struggling and I aske for help and I didn’t get it, so I made a really hard decision and after 5 years with them I left. However it was here i met OH and for that I will be forever grateful. I did some temping at a local manufacturing company and was fortunate to be given permanent contract as a Commercial assistant, this was my second chance to have a career, or so I thought. My mangers was quick to give me extra responsibilities and made promises of development and opportunities, however when I wanted to return part-time after the birth of BG, they couldn’t accommodate part time and I left. So my dreams of becoming “someone” and “having it all” where dashed again. . I don’t know what the next decade will bring most of the time I don’t know what the next week will bring but I’m more relaxed about then I have ever been before.

In 2010 I turn 30 which used to really scare, especially as my friends and family have been keeping a countdown for the last 4 years. I kept thinking I can’t be turning 30 I haven’t achieved what I was supposed to, I haven’t become “someone”, but then a few months ago I realised I hade become “someone” I had become a Mother and that’s the most important job I will ever have and you know what? I'm OK with that.

Have a fantastic New Year


Monday, 21 December 2009

Boxing Day

What I'm really looking forward to this year is Boxing Day, not because Chrsitmas will be over for another year but because it will just be me, OH and BG all by ourselves!

I am looking forward to Christmas day, I get to see my family, eat great food, drink s little wine and even better I'm not cooking. However there will be a lot of us, my family and OH family are spending the whole day together so they can all be with BG for Christmas. I know that me and OH won't get a look in Christmas day, so we have clamied Boxing Day as our own.

This is what we've got planned.......a whole day of Indiana Jones (still haven't seen the 4th one), maybe a little walk if there is noe snow/rain and for dinner burgers!!

Yes I said burgers, yummy fantastic burgers, with great cheese, fabulous bacon in ciabatta rolls with homemade wedges. Not traditional in any way and thats what I like about it!

Boxing Day will be our little family day and for that I am truly thankful

Merry Christmas


PS this is my 100th Post!!

Monday, 14 December 2009

The House Of Sick

Actually the House Of Poo would be more appropriate!

We have been really poorly in this house, very nasty tummy bugs. BG is still ill and very very grumpy. Hence the lack of post in the last week and to be honest this may be it for a while. Getting computer time at the moment is really hard with trying to look after a sick baby and organise Christmas (really glad I'm not cooking this year)

I am currently stood in my kitchen typing as BG's sleeps on the sofa (she will not go in her cot) and I cook some pasta before trying to wrap a few presents in the hope she doesn't wake up.

This may be my last post before Christmas, it all depends on BG. So just in case this is my last post I hope you all have a fab Christmas!


Friday, 4 December 2009

Blogger Love

I really should be writting BG's birthday weekend post but to be honest there is not a lot to say! We went to the Sealife Centre on her birthday, were she spent an enjoyable hour or so pointing at the fishes saying "whats that?" "whats that?" She loved the fishes but wasn't impressed by the Penguins or the Seals

We had a small tea party on the saturday and half the guests cancelled on me! and on the Sunday we had a family party at nana's. BG was suitably spoilt and a lovely time was had by all and that her birthday story.

So I thought I'd spread a little blogger love, which I like to do from time to time.

Firstly the Cumbria Flood Recovery Fund Auction is up and live so please please please go and bid on some items. There are some fantastic lots and all the  money goes to help those affected by the floods.  A big huge thanks and well done goes out to Kat at Bambino Goodies for all her hard work on the auction.

Its competition time over at Soph4Soph so pop over there and enter, the prizes are fab!

I have a new blog for you by Hormonal Mummy so go and give her some love

Also new on the block is Mother Knows Best, which is a collection of posts by parents, all contributions are welcome.

So now I've spread a little love its time for some blatent self promotion!

My Linen At Home webshop Duvet Day is now live so please take a look, there are some great products for christmas on there

I'm running a competiton over at New Mummy's Tips to win 1 of 6 lullaby CD's, please enter its not doing so well :(

And last and not least I am very proud to announce that in the New Year I will be writting a weekly blog for the online parenting magazine Mumstop !!! I'm so excited!! Watch this space for more news.

Have a great weekend


Thursday, 26 November 2009

The Baby

So this is the last part of the story...The Baby

We were taken up to the maternity ward where I was cleaned, dressed and left to rest. BG slept beside me and OH just watched us both.

It was then time to feed BG, as it went well the first time I thought that it would be easy to breastfeed BG but it wasn't at all. BG would latch on suck a few times then come off, she would then start screaming and wouldn't latch back on, after trying a few times, we left it for a while for her to calm down. Now I would just like to say that the midwife's were fantastic I was very fortunate to have a lot of one to one time with them.

Each time we tried to get BG to attach she would scream and scream, then once attached the same again a few sucks then she would stop. When she was attached she made a funny sound and the midwife was concerned so she told the doctors. I tried everything to get BG to attach but she wasn't having any of it, I tried hand expressing so that some would come out and intice her but nothing. I even tried an electric pump so she would at least have some colstrum by syringe even if she wouldn't have it directly from me but nothing came. At one point I had a midwife with my one boob in her hand trying to BG to latch and the electric pump on the other and yet nothing. They explained that because I had lost a lot of blood that it may take a while for the milk to come through.

That night once the visitors had all gone and OH was finally set home, the doctor came to do BG's 6 hour check up and to see about the funny sounds she's been making. The doctor heard a murmur on her heart so she had to spend the evening in the SBU to monitor. I was very very scared and really emotional and in a horrendous amount of pain but I went up there with her. This was not easy and extremly painful to move but they took me up in a wheel chair so I could sit with her for a while. The did some blood tests and hooked her up to a mointor. They tested her oxgyen levels and they had to  check her glucose levels because of the diabetes I had. I stayed with her as long as I could, but I couldn't stand the pain and was so exhuasted so they took me back down to the ward and I gave permission to give a small amount of formula from a syringe as I wasn't producing any milk.

They brought her back to me at 5am and she had slept all night through and when they re checked her heart the murmur had gone and I was so relieved. However she still wouldn't breastfeed, so the routine started again, trying to get her to latch, breast pump on etc etc. Eventually some colstrum came out so she was feed that through a syringe but it was a tiny amount.

On the Sunday they weighed her and she had lost over 10% of her body weight and was becoming jaundice, the doctor put us on a feeding schedule and BG had to be fed every 3 to 4 hours. It was at this point I had to make a decesion do I keep trying to breastfeed in the hope that my milk comes through soon or do I put her on formula. I waited for OH to arrive and we decided to put her on formula, I was really worried about BG she had lost so much weight and was becoming ill, so the plan was to use formula until my milk came through then try breastfeeding again.

The little minx took to the  bottle of formula straight away, no trouble with sucking at all. She was on a the schedule for 24 hours, they re-weighed her and she had put weight on and her glucose levels were good and finally on the Monday afternoon, a week after I had been admitted we were allowed home.

The journey home was very painful, the short walk to the car nearly killed me. My milk also decided to come in on the journey home, by the time I got home I was in pain from the section and though my boobs were going to explode. Now I did the unspeakable when I got home I pumped and dumped, I was in so much pain and nothing was sterilised. I was expecting to be using it so soon and wasn't prepared for bottle feeding, we had to bring home some ready made bottles and we didn't have any formula in.

Now I bet you're asking your self why didn't I just try to breastfeed as my milk will come through, well (and I never told anyone this before) I was scared she wouldn't latch on, I couldn't cope with the rejection. Sounds really stupid I know, but she screamed everytime I tried to latch her on, then if she finally latch she would only suck a few time, but with a bottle she took the whole lot, really easily! It hurt me, it hurt me a lot and I couldn't handle that.

So I expressed for two weeks so she would have breast milk but I never tried breastfeeding again and yes I feel like the worse mum in the world but thats how my brain worked at the time. My milk finally dried up and she went back on to formula. It was hard work expressing constantly but I would have kept going but the milk just went.

It took my ages to accept my decision the stay with formula, I hated being asked the question "are you breastfeeding?", I felt I had to defend my self and would go into the long story of why I'm not breastfeeding my baby. I still feel guiltyto this day that I didn't try again but when I look at my bright, clever, happy baby I don't feel so bad.

The first two weeks were hard for me I really struggled after the section, I found it difficult to move and the pain was quite intense. I am so grateful for the help and support OH gave me, he did all the nights for those weeks so I could rest and sleep and is still the most doting dad. I coudn't imagine our lifes without him.

BG is the most important person in my life and this last year has been amazing. To watch her grow in a walking, talking person is a fantastic experience and I look forward to see what to she has to show me next.

My pregnancy and birth may not have been easy for me but it was definatly worth it!

So to my Baby Girl who is one tomorrow Happy Birthday Mummy loves you very very much xxx


Tuesday, 24 November 2009

The Birth

This is the second part to my pregnancy and birth story, if you haven't read the first part The Preganacy click here to read that first.

Ok so I was booked in to be induced 10 days early as they were concerned with the size of the baby. This happened to be a Monday, I spent the whole weekend packing and re-packing my page, trying to rest and spend some time with OH.

Now I would like to tell you that the inducement worked, the birth went smoothy and a had a baby in my arms by the end of the day....but we all know the birth is just not that easy and nothing in my life runs smooth so this is how it really went.

I turned up they examined me, BG hadn't engaged yet. They decided to try a sweep to start with, however I was dilated even a little bit so they couldn't do a sweep so they sent me hime and sai come back next Monday!! As you can imagine I wasn't a happy bunny, I had prepared my self for birth, I was ready to take my baby home.

So we went home and I spent the next week praying I would go into labour but of course I didn't. We went back the following Monday, there had been no change, this time the tried a stretch and sweep (yes thats as paniful as it sounds) and booked for me to be admitted at 8 that evening.

8 o'clock finally came and I was admitted to the maternity ward, where I was then informed that they wouldn't actually start the inducement until the following morning! They wanted me  in over night for observation and I would go down the labour ward at 6am. OH was sent home and I was left all alone and very very scared.

The next morning they woke my at 5am, gave me some breakfast so I could then take me insulin. I went down at 6am and OH joined me on the labour ward. They checked the baby to make sure everything was Ok then the consultant came to see me and did an examination and decided they would use Prostaglandin gel to induce me, I also had to had to have a drip put in with glucose and insulin the control the diabetes. It took 2 midwifes and a doctor to get the needle in and I ended up having in the back of my hand, which was really painful and made it really hard to do anything with my left hand.

The midwife then inserted the prostaglandin gel and I had to lay still for 30 mins and they monitored the baby. I then had to wait 6 hours to see if it started my labour off. It was the longest 6 hours of my life (well so I thought). Me and OH went for a few walks around the hospital, read, listened to music and prayed this worked.

But it didn't, I had a few tightens but nothing. The midwifes had been in and out all day checking me, the baby and my sugar levels and everytime it spiked I was hooked up to the drip. I was supposed to see a doctor again, but the labour ward got super busy and they decided at 8 o'clock they wouldn't try again and they sent me back up to the ward and OH home!

The next day went almost exactly the same, my baby was so not ready to be born! The decision made that afternoon, was to see if I go into labour over night and if nothing happens they will try and break my waters and if that doesn't work then I would have a c-section.

I of course didn't go into labour overnight, so the next morning the consultant did an examination and tried the break my waters. For those that have not had the pleasure of having their waters broken, they using what I can only describe and a long crotche needle and is really not pleasent. That didn't work, so I was booked in for the first c-section of the morning.

My baby girl was born at 9.39am on the 27th November which just happend to be her due date! 11 months and 2 days after we decided to have a baby and 2 years and 20 days after our first date!

We didn't know what we were having so when they said your baby is fine I had to ask them what sex she was! BG was checked over and her and OH went to the labour room while they stitched me up. This should have only taken 30 minutes but I remember thinking "I've been laying here a long time now", next thing I know the anaesthetist tells me that the have to give me more drugs which may make me sick.

My womb wouldn't contract and I was losing a lot of blood, I was told later by a midwife that I had lost about a pint and a half, though they couldn't be certain. Thankfully the drugs worked and I was taken through to meet my daughter.

BG was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, she weighed 9lbs 3 ozs (not as big as they predicted). They bought her over for me to hold and it the was the most amazing moment of my life. They helped me put her to my breast and she feed, they then took me up to the maternity ward and thats were the fun really begain!

As I was typing this I became really angry at the way the birth turned out. My body was not ready to give birth, BG hadn't even engaged and my cervix was closed but the kept trying which then resulted in a c-section, which I hated. I know births rarely go the way you plan and they were thinking of BG's health but I wish I had been stronger I feel the birth was taken out of my hands. The pregnancy and the c-section had a huge impact on my body and I still struggle with a lot of pain.

Last part will be on Thursday...The Baby!


Monday, 23 November 2009

Helping The People Of Cumbria

We are putting together an Auction to raise funds for the Cumbria Flood Recovery Fund.

The Auction will be hosted by Bambino Goodies and is being coordinated by Kat Molesworth, Bambino Goodies Features Editor.

We have set up a specific email account for this

The Plan: to gather a series of auction lots covering a range of values to be auctioned off fromMonday 30th November – Sunday 6th December the proceeds of which will be donated in full to the recovery fund.

The mechanics of the auction are being decided in the next couple of days we are looking intooptions including in house hosting and eBay charity auctions – we will keep you posted.

How you can help:


• Our idea is that each lot will have several items of low to medium value or one or two high value items. You are welcome to create more than one lot.
• What kind of items? That’s entirely up to you; we are willing to consider all ideas! The moredesirable the better. Whether it is products, shopping sprees, mystery extras or experiences; all offers are welcome.
• Postage: you will need to include postage to the winner in your offer, please let us know if this is UK only or available to International bidders as well.
• Please email your offers to:
•Once you have offered an auction lot we will send you a confirmation form where you can list all the details – this will be the official confirmation of your offer.
• All donations are to be confirmed by Thursday 26th November to allow us to set the auction up.
• We will confirm the details of the winning bidders following successful payment so you can post their lot to them


• Can you help us promote the auction to other potential donors?
• Are you able to spread the word through social media? We have large support from parent bloggers and would really appreciate every extra voice.

• Once the auction is live please stop by and bid!

All offers of support are gratefully accepted.
Please help imagine if it was you!

Sunday, 22 November 2009

The Pregnancy

On Friday BG turns one and I really can't believe how quickly this year has gone. She's growing up far too quickly for my liking, but I'm glad that I have managed to capture most of her first year on this blog.

I wish I had found blogging when I was pregnant, I have a feeling it would have made my pregnancy slightly less traumatic for me. I had a horrible pregnancy and pretty horrid birth and I've never really spoken about it so I've decided to tell the tale!

I've spilt it into 3 parts the pregnancy, the birth and the baby. I apologise now if I ramble on too much.

BG was a planned baby, now when I say planned this is how the discussion went:-

Christmas day 2008 (after a lot of wine)

Me "shall we have a baby?"


We did have a sober conversation on the way home boxing day and we started trying straight away. I was really lucky and fell pregnant in the March of 2009, BG was born 27th November that same year 11 months and 2 days after we decided to have  a baby.

People have now started to ask us when we are having the next one and we reply "we're not" and they just laugh it off. They can laugh all they want I can't go through that again.

My pregnancy started the same as most others start. I had really bad nausea from about 6 weeks to 16 weeks pregnant, sore boobs and heartburn and that I could handle. Even when the heartburn got so bad that I woke up choking on acid, it was fine I just kept downing Gaviscon. These were normal pregnancy niggles, most pregnant women have them.

I then developed sciatica on both sides, that was really painful.

I then got carpel tunnel syndrom in my right hand, I had to give up my driving lessons and I had to wear a support at night.

Then the constipation started, I didn't poo properly until BG was born (sorry TMI)

Then restless legs at night.

One night I spent 15 hours in hospital with a suspected blood clot in my lung, I had to have chest extra and scan. It turned out I had pulled a muscle in my chest because of the weight gain.

I developed odema, I could only wear flip flops, which was great until winter hit.

Can you see the way this post is going?

Each time something else developed,  I thought to  my self its fine I surely can't get anything else!! How wrong I was.

As the pregnancy continued I got bigger and bigger and bigger. At 20 weeks pregnant people actually thought I was ready to drop. People kept asking "are you sure its only one in there?". We even asked at the 20 week scan from them to double check there was only one.

At that 20 week scan, my placenta was low so they booked me for a scan at 36 weeks!

So I keep getting bigger, I'm swollen, I'm in pain, I can barely use my right hand, I've got the most horrendous heartburn and constipation, my legs twitch at night and I'm now worried that I've got a low lying placenta! I thought pregnacy was supposed to be a wonderful experience, I kept waiting for the glow and all I got was sweaty!

BG was a very active baby which I loved and hated. I loved the fact she was moving as it reassured me that she was ok, but my god as she got bigger it hurt. I'm only short, 5 ft 3 in to be exact and she took up a lot of space, you could see you bottom sticking out and when she moved around you could see it all. Her favourite time to have a wriggle was at night, I don't think I've slept through the night since I was about 22 weeks pregnant, if she was kicking me then my super small bladder got me up.

When I went for my booking in session and 12 week scan I made a huge mistake! I had coco pops for breakfast, I didn't know they checked your glucose level, well of course mine was high. The doctor was worried so I had to go back for a glucose tolerance test, it was negative. however as I had one I had to have another one at 26 weeks. It was at this point I was diagosned with Gestantional Diabetes and this is were the fun really began.

By now I had really had enough, my pregnancy was getting harder and harder. I struggled to walk any real distance, I was constantly tired and now I had diabetes, I broke down completly and found the rest of my pregnancy really hard.

I hated being pregnant and it just kept getting worse. They first tried to control my diabetes with a change in diet, so I gave up all sugary foods ( I had now given up ciggerettes, alcohol, caffine and now chocolate!) took all their advice. That didn't work, so I then went on to tablets they didn't work either and so they put me on insulin injections.

They were worried that all they extra sugar in my system would make BG too big anday cause her problems. That really scared me and made me feel really guilty, like I was making her big. I had to visit the hospital every two weeks and see consutants and the diabetic nurse. They were concerned about her size, my size and the fact that my sugar levels wouldn't go down.

It all got to much for me and I was signed off work by the doctor at 30 weeks pregnant and then took early maternity leave.

I had a scan at 32 weeks and then again at 36 weeks by this time they estimated that she was already 9lbs and with babies putting on a 1lb a week in the last 4 weeks they were worried they she would get to big for me to give birth to.

So they booked me in to be induced 10 days before I was due and thats were I'm going to leave you...

I will post the next part The Birth on Tuesday


Saturday, 21 November 2009

Honest Scrap

The lovely author of TheMadHouse blog has awarded me the Honest Scrap award and for that I say thank you very much.

Now I'm normally really bad at doing these I often leave them for so long that I have loads to do, so I'm trying to them straight away now!

Ok the rules for this meme is

1 Thank the person that sent it (Tick)
2 List 10 things you don't know about me
3 Pass on to 10 bloggers you admire

Here are 10 things you don't know about though after my posts this week there can't be much left to tell you!

1. I'm scared of tunnels! My dad and OH have been trying to get me on the Eurostar for years and I refuse to do so, the thought of being in that tunnel feels me with so much dread it makes me feel sick

2. I hate garlic

3.  I love New York, whenever I visit I feel at peace and would love to live their one day.

4. I have two best friends who are the best, best friends in the world.

BF1 I meet at college, we have been through a lot together including my mother leaving, her father dying, marriage, divorce and our daughters were born 7 weeks apart. We have done a lot of dancing, a lot of singing and a lot of talking in the 12 years I have known her.

BF2 I meet when she came to work for me in a bar, again we've through a lot marriage, birth, divorce, too much alcohol. I took her to her first concert, musical and for her first tattoo. I have convinced on numerous occasions to drive me across country and she has never complained. One year she drove me to from Peterborough Essex the day before Christmas eve because she was scared I would start a fight on the underground with all my luggage.

5. I'm alergic to cats

6. I have flat feet

7. I love musicals, movies or in the theatre. It doesn't matter I will watch them.

8. I once turned down a chance to work in the US

9. In the winter I can weeks without saving my legs

10. I had such a horrible pregnancy and a crappy birth that it has put me off having any more children and trust me I won't change my mind.

Now I am supposed to pass this onto 10 other bloggers, but as I said earlier I'm crap at memes so I'm not! Sorry!


Friday, 20 November 2009

Help Great Ormond Street Hostpital

All 12 of this year’s X Factor finalists have released a fantastic cover of Michael Jackson’s You Are Not Alone in aid of Great Ormond Street Hospital Children’s Charity.

If you want to find out why Great Ormond Street Hospital needs your support please see Oscar’s video.  Anyone who watched X Factor on Sunday night will know that Oscar really was the star of the show!

Thousands of children just like Oscar, who really is an inspiration to us all, need the help of the amazing staff at GOSH and this single will help sick children from across the UK to get better. Some of the patients of Great Ormond Street Hospital appear in the official music video launched with the single on Sunday night and if you watch this then I am sure you won’t fail to want to support them.

We are asking for everyone’s support in helping this single make the number one spot this weekend. Sony are donating all profits from the sale of the single and a number of retailers are also very kindly donating all their profits from the sale of the single (find out which ones by clicking here  ).

Please ask everyone you know to buy/download this single now – it doesn’t cost much but every single bought will make an incredible difference to the sickest children in the UK right now."


Thursday, 19 November 2009

A Happy Ending....

I thought after telling quite a dark story yesterday that I would give you the happy ending, the what happened next....

When my mother left two things happened, firstly my brother and No2 sister went to live with their dad in Essex and me and No1 sister stayed in Peterborough. Sending them away was the hardest thing I have ever done but I had no home for them.

Me and No1 sister moved in with her friends parents and we were registered officially homeless, that was a real low for me. Thankfully we were re-housed in 7 weeks and were given a great flat.

While this was going on, No1 sister got her GCSE results which were great and was accepted on her college course. We both had part-time jobs and started college in the september, but it was hard, there was not enough money coming in. My dad helped with the rent but it was still a struggle so I gave up college and found full time work.

No1 sister worked really hard and passed her course with flying colours and had the choice of many universities. She graduated in 2004 and I was very proud sister at her graduation. Mo1 sister now works in a theatre in Essex doing the job she always wanted, she lives with a lovely man and is super happy!

No2 sister and my brother, went back to live with our mother about a year after she left, she got back in contact with their dad and they went one weekend and didn't go back. They came to me every summer for a week and its was the best weeks of my life.

My brother is now training to run his own bar, and No2 sister has a gorgeous baby girl who is 7 months younger then BG and is really happy.

And me? well I went back to college when No1 sister went to university and did an access course in Humanties and Social Sciences, I did it part-time over two year, I couldn't afford to do it full time. I worked 3 jobs and saved so that I could do my degree, which I did in Business and Law, I graduated in 2006.

That same year I meet OH, we moved in after 5 months and 2 years and 20 days after our first date BG was born and I am a happy abeit tired mummy!

And thats our life, we could have all gone down a road of self descruction but we didn't. Don't get me wrong its been hard, mistakes have been made and we are by no way perfect, but we are still standing and we survived.

I am a very proud mummy and sister


Ps you may have to read yesterdays post for this to make sense! lol

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Becoming My Mother My Deep Dark Fear

We often joke that we are becoming our mothers, normally because of something we say or the way we do things and its normally laughed off and we carry on. But if someone was to say to me I was becoming my mother it really would be the end of the world for me!

My biggest fear is becoming my Mother, that sounds really harsh doesn't it? Let me tell you a little bit about my mother and I'll let you make up your own mind.

My mother was really young when I was born, 15 in fact (she fell pregnant at 14). Two and a a halfs years later came No1 sister. Then my mum and dad divorced when I was about 6ish my mum had two more children with her second husband, my brother is 8 years younger then me and No2 sister is 10 years younger then me.

Not long after No2 sister was born, my mother left us. She went to work and didn't come back for 6 months. To start with my and No1 sister were sent to live with her parents and my brother and No2 sister went to live with my step-dads parents. I'm not sure how long we were there for but me and No1 sister soon moved to my dad's parents and we started new schools and life went on.

My mother then returned she had moved to London and started a whole new life and then decided to come back. We started to visit her at weekends then one day she asked me and No1 sister who we wanted to live with and we said with her, so we stayed. Police were involved then it went to court, my mother won custody of us and we went to live with her.

Not long after that our house was repossed, you see my mother likes to spend and spend and spend even when she has no money to spend. This was the first and unforunatly not the last time we were evicted from our home.

When I was 15 my mother, left her husband and married step-dad number 2 (My step-dads are a whole nother post). We were moved to watford then back to Essex, then we moved to peterborough when I was 16 so they could run a pub.

I would like to say life was good but it wasn't, the pub didn't last long so we moved to rented accomodation. My mother and step-dads had jobs on and off but there were times I was the only breadwinner in the house, and I only had part time jobs as I was at 6th form then college.

In the July of 1999, I went to a music festival in Belgium I was 19, when I returned from  my weekend away my mother and step-dad had had an argument and he had moved out. That summer was the worst of my life, my step-dad shit stirred a lot, he blamed me for the break up (I wasn't even there!) and many other things. What he didn't know was my mother was having an affair with his best friend.

Unfortunalty my mother *forgot* to pay the rent (and many other bills) and we were being evicted. The plan was the day before the evictionme and my mother would go to the local council and see about being rehoused.

When I woke up that morning I knew something was wrong I could  feel it in my stomach. I got up and my mother wasn't there, so I walked into town to see if she was at the council and she wasn't. I opened my purse to find some change for the phone so I could ring home. Instead of money I found a letter, my mother had left us again. She had choosen her husband over us and a little piece of me died inside.

Before this happened my mother was my best friend, we did everything together, we went shopping, clubbing we even went to college together and she left us. Even worse she actually blamed me.

Its been 10 years since she has left and I have had nothing to do with her, I can't bring my self to talk to her. My brother and sisters have all been in contact with her, though No2 sister no longer see's her after they had an argument about husband number 4!!

Yes she is now divorced from the man she left us for and is married for the 4th time and is she happy? No!

She keeps leaving, then coming back. She's forever in debt and No1 sister is now doing what I used to do, bail her out. You would think that she would learn from her mistakes but she hasn't. Thankfully I have, I try to make sure that my life is completly different from hers.

What I've told you today, is only half of the crap we put up with as kids, the stories I could tell would make you cry, they make me cry.

So thats why my deep dark fear is becoming my mother and her deep dark fear I think is being alone, thats why she keeps getting married, I don't think there has been a time when she hasn't had a man in her life. Unfortunatly she has a bad marriage and children that don't talk to her!


This was written for the Sleep is For The Weak writing workshop

Saturday, 14 November 2009

Shopping Trip

Yesterday OH sent me off to Lincoln to do some shopping with the express instructions to only buy for my self! (I do love him!)

The reason for the shopping trip was that I actually have very few clothes that fit me. The Majority of my clothes are pre-baby, with some maternity clothes thrown in and few new things I have bought in the sales.

My low point was last saturday night, we were going out for our 3rd aniversary and I couldn't find anything to wear. Now I know we often say that and we do have lots to wear but I really struggled to find a nice top that fit me.

I am probably the largest I have ever been and I hate it. I've been many sizes, I was once a size 10!! Though I only got that small due to a stomach ulcer!

I'm the one with the curly hair

This was 8 years ago (I'm soo young)

This one was taken about 4 years ago and I was a size 12/14, I liked my body this size.

My weight started to creep up when I moved in with OH and soon I was a size 16/18 and I didn't feel right so I joined weight watchers and lost a stone and a half in 5 months and was getting back down to my ideal weight when I fell pregnant.

I put all that weight back on and more, I was huge!

7 months pregnant

I've lost some weight since having BG, I did start WW again but I had a bad week and it all went wrong. Lack of sleep really doesn't help with weight loss.

So of course with all this weight gain none of my old clothes fit me and with no job I can't afford a whole new wardrobe, so yesterday I hit Primark and did some shopping.

Now I did get quite a bit, but it was a struggle to find clothes to fit me and I didn't get exactly what I wanted but its better then what I have.

So this is what I bought.........

4 Jumpers

2 Cardigans

A going out top

A pair of leggings

A pair of Boots

A Bag

I couldn't leave BG out

Not a bad shopping trip! I also got a new coat thanks to my lovely Daddy, its an early Christmas present and I love it!

Its John Rocha...

Should keep me nice and warm!

My new plan is to lose weight, I'm not happy at this weight and its taking its toll on my body. I ache constantly, so I am cutting out the bad food to start with. It will be a long proccess I know, life is tough at the moment and food is helps me get through it.

I'm taking small steps.


Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Back To The Drawing Board

Last Tuesday after months of filling application forms and sending ot CV's I finally got a interview. The job was 8 hours in a local card shop and I was really excited and nervous about it.

The interview went really well, the woman was practically writting me on the schedules, yet on Saturday I got that dreaded thanks but no thanks letter! What went wrong? They say they will leave me on file, you only do that if the person has had a good interview. I tried to be as flexable as I possibly could and I think thats were it went wrong.

Now I have a baby, I personally can't work every hour god sends and I don't want to!

There are so many people looking for jobs now that employers can afford to be extra fussy. I competing against so many people for jobs, half the time you don't even get a rejection letter.

Its getting tough and I everytime I apply for a job and get another rejection letter its knocking me down and its getting harder to get back up.

I had a meeting at the job centre the other week and the advisor told me that I my qualifications and experience may actually be hurting my chances with some jobs and I should miss off  degree on application forms!! Great I work my arse for 5 years to put my self through my access course and degree, sometimes working 3 jobs to pay the bills and I have to forget about it to get a job, fantastic!!!

Things are getting tough and I'm getting quite low about it, I've never struggled to get a job before. If we could live without the extra income it wouldn't be an issue but we need the money.

So its back to job searching, rejection and my lovely visits to the job centre!


Sunday, 8 November 2009

And Then She Walked!

This afternoon BG cames back from 48 hours with nana and grandad. It was a tough two days, I really really missed her.

It wasn't all bad, Saturday was mine and OH's 3 year aniversary, so went out for cocktails and dinner. However we had not used to being out so we were home by 9.30 in our PJ's with a cuppa watching strictly on sky +! Oh the glamour that is my life!

They bought her back at about 2ish this afternoon, by then I was climbing the walls waiting for her. She was really excited to see us, she lunged at my for a huge hug , she then climbed down me and then she walked across the living room to her daddy!!

We all screamed and clapped and BG was very proud of her self, though not as proud as I was.

I guess the real fun starts now!


Wednesday, 4 November 2009

That Damn Jamie Oliver DVD!

Me, my dad and No1 Sister have a competition every Christmas to see who can buy the crapest present and trust me we take it very seriously! Some years so seriously that we've spent more time and money on them then the proper presents.

All three of us are so similar that there have been times that we have all bought each other the same presents for each other, including the Jordan Joke book and the Peter Andre and Katie Price CD (and yes we bought them a full price and no she can’t sing!).

I can’t remember how this tradition actually started but I know it’s been going for about 10 years now and mine and No 1 sister’s partner have also got in on it!

No matter how much we all try my Dad always comes up with the best crap gift, over the years these have been simple gifts such as a paperweight engraved with the mission on the company he works for, they were given to all the workers so he recycled it and it is now mine! And very elaborate jokes played on us.

The one I remember the most was years ago when DVD players had just come out, my Dad bought me the film 7 on DVD, now I really dislike that film and I didn’t have a DVD player!! That’s not the joke, he is an evil genius my dad. That year I had to work Christmas day in the Pub I worked in and serve Christmas dinner (to a lot of ungrateful miserable gits!) so we decided to open half of our presents in the morning and the rest when I got in from work.

One of my gifts was a quite large rectangle, and I thought to myself wow dad has bought me a DVD player, I mean while else would he buy me a DVD I couldn’t watch. So I get home from a very long lunch shift, we open our presents and I get to the big box and open it and its a .........................................................hairdryer!!!!!

Yes my Dad had bought a DVD I couldn’t watch and knew that I would think that the hairdryer was a DVD player, evil genius!

Now there is one present that just won’t go away! Though that’s probably because we keep passing it on to each other and that is the Jamie Oliver Christmas DVD. Now if I remember rightly my dad bought it for me, then I passed it back the year after, then my sister got it the year after that and you get the picture.

 It never been watched, it’s still got the plastic cover on it (sorry Jamie) It just goes back and forwards each year, I can’t remember who has it at the moment and I fear its coming my way this year!

We made a deal last year no more crap presents as we didn’t have the money or the space but I know that won’t stop my Dad or that Jamie Oliver DVD being passed on! I just hope it’s not my year or I may force them all the watch at last!


This was written for the Sleep Is For The Weak writing workshop, I choose prompt no 2

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Blogger Love and A Bit of Bragging

I've been a bit of a bad blogger in the last few weeks so today I will make it up to you all with a bit of blogger love. However there will also be a bit of bragging and self promotion from me as well but its my blog and I can do what I like!!

Firstly if you haven't already then please go and checkout the latest British Mummy Bloggers carnival which is being held over a Hot Cross Mum's its a Halloween special.

We have some new blogs on the block so go visit and show some love!

Life of A Pink Haired Mummy

 Beetroot and Gerkins

and finally if you haven't already check out Sleep Is For The Weak's writing workshops, one day I will have time to participate!

Ok time for a little self promo from me!!

I have written a guest post for Daisy Chain Baby, please go over and have a read and leave a comment, its all about our childrens firsts.

My first reviews for the Mums Test are now live and be sure to read my latest review for the great toy guide.

Lastly there was a list put together for the Indepedent of the Top 50 websites and blogs for parents and guess who was in there?? Yeap that right little old me! You can check out the A-Z here

Ok bragging over, I promise some proper post this week


Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Wordless Wednesday

This is BG last week when she first noticed birds in our garden. She kept pointing and getting excited.

We have since realised she was saying 'sthat' as in 'what's that?'!!

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Story Time

After my talk with the Health Visitor the other week and the article on BBC news online about how children's books are being ousted by DVD's (apparently 1 in 20 homes has less then 10 books in it!) it just made me sad that children are going to school not knowing what how to open books and not understanding the magic stories can bring.

I love to read, before BG I could easily devour a book in a day (I read the last Harry Potter book in 8 hours!). I love the way you can escape into a story and forget about whats going on in the real world. A great story will transport to where ever in the world it is set, you can smell the same smells and hear all the sounds, you can picture every last detail.

We always had loads of books at home when I was growing up, both my mother and father love to read and me and my sisters have that same passion for books. We share books, recommend books and buy them for each other.

Some of my favourite stories are from childhood books, Hedi is my favourite book but I will in all honesty read almost anything!.

Me and OH started to read to BG before she was born, we read 'Guess how much I love you?' to my bump for months and we carried on reading it to hear once she was born. Amongst her first presents where many books from my dad and sister including 'The very hungry Caterpillar' which I love. BG has a good collection of books at only 10 months old, in fact she has about 30!

BG has recently become obsessed with books, an obsession that makes me really happy. In the last few weeks BG has allowed me to sit and read stories to her again. She went through a stage, that when ever I got a book out she would just try to eat it, a phase I've been ensured most children go through! But now she will sit and sometimes I get to read the whole book before she rips it from my hands.

If I say to her "BG bring the book to mummy and I'll read you a story", she's crawls over with a book and a big smile on her face and climbs up for a story.

However my favourite thing is when she sits on the floor with a book in her hands and flicks through the pages by herself, it can keep her occupied for a good 5 mins! The look on her face is priceless.

I hope BG always has a passion for books, I can't wait to read her my favourite children's books like 'The Magic Faraway Tree' and all the old fairytales.

I would hate if TV or computers became more important then reading, books are great for the imagination and that's what children should have!


Friday, 16 October 2009

Down in the Dumps!

I know I haven't posted all week, its been one of those weeks where all of a sudden you realise its Friday and wonder were the week has gone.

This week started really well, Monday I attended a Inspiring Women conference (which I will give its own post as it deserves it), I left feeling really positive and upbeat but by the time I got home I had a splitting headache and felt miserable again. That's how this week has basically gone lots of highs then a slap back down to earth!

My sister cam to visit on Tuesday which was lovely, I do miss having my family close to me, but as always her visit was too short and she was soon leaving. The headache I had Monday was still there and BG is still not sleeping!! She has yet more teeth coming through and still has a cold!

Wednesday started all so well, I recieved an email from one of the Job sites I am on which had the perfect job for me, so I sent over my CV and letter and thought that's a good start. I them went to the Job Centre which I hate doing, but there were a few jobs that were suitable so I thought wow what a great day! I walked along to the shop that had one of the jobs going to pick up an application then went home. That afternoon I rang about the other vacancy to be told that the position was filled SATURDAY!!! Why the hell was it still being advertised??? My good mood started to fade. I then got an email back to say I wasn't suitable for the other role! Good mood gone, headache back!

My headache was so bad I was in bed at 8.30! it doesn't take a genius to workout where the headaches are coming from!

So at at the moment I just feel deflated a bit, but I will keep on going! I'm a bit like a weeble you knock me done and I spring back up!

I had a great one to one session with the lady who runs Linen at Home and I'm now registered as self employed and have a bank meeting set up! I just need to book my first Linen party and I'm waiting for the webshop to go live and then I will be annoying everyone for sales!!

OK I've had a moan I'm now off to relax I've still got that headache! I promise to have some upbeat posts next week


PS the lovely Kellyfairy has a competition over at her blog to win a fab new book, she knows the author don't cha know!

Saturday, 10 October 2009

Developmental Review

The beginning of the week started out slow for us, Baby Girl has got a cold and is teething so it’s all snot and dribble at our house! Thankfully her two top teeth have cut through so she might start to cheer up soon (Mummy can dream)

On Wednesday BG has her 8-12 month development check up, now I’m really happy with what she can do at 10 months but it didn’t stop me worrying . I think that’s natural as a Mother, I try not to compare her to other children her age but I can’t help it.

Well there was no need for me to worry, the health visitor was really happy with what she could, she even said she was a little advanced (sorry bragging!!) we only had one tantrum when I had to undress and the dress her again .

The highlight of the visit was when she gave BG her Bookstart book, she took it from her sat on the floor and started flicking through the pages, the HV said it was a testament to me that she knew how to do that already. She said that quite a few children go to school not knowing how to open a book!! How sad is that?

The low point was when the HV noticed that the creases on the back of BG’s legs didn’t match up so we have to go to the GP to check her hips. I'm trying not to worrying, she's strong on her legs and crawls well, so fingers crossed its just because she has chubby legs!

BG now weighs 23lbs 5 ozs and is 76 cms long!! That 2ft 5.9 in's already, I'm only 5ft 3in she is going to tower over me!!

I'm not scared.......honest!


Sunday, 4 October 2009


This week has been a mixed week, after the high of Monday the rest of the week fell somewhat flat.

We've all been full of cold and mix that with a teething baby its not been fun. On the plus side I joined up as a consultant for Linen Online so will be annoying you soon to buy your sheets from me!

I've really low this week especially at the end, by Thursday night came I just wanted to hide away and not speak to anyone. So on Friday I unplugged from everything no Internet, no email, no twitter (expect 5 mins last night), and stayed away and focused on BG and OH.

I realised how obsessed I had become with being online and my blogs. I think because I've not got a paid job that I'm looking for something to stimulate me and my mind.

The problem is that I've let it take over just a little bit and I need to cut back on how long I spend on the computer or I'm at risk of becoming permanently attached!!

So my new rule is that I will not go on the computer while BG is awake except on OH's day off, so it will be nap times, bed times and when daddy is home. I can write posts for New Mummy's Tips in advance and scheduled them to run and this blog will stay organic and I will blog as and when I have something to say. I will also work on Midlands Mums in my baby free time.

Though Linen at Home and Tish Tash Toys will become a priority on the run up to Christmas as will job hunting.

What about Twitter? Well for those of you that follow me if I'm on too long tell me off. I have it on my Blackberry so its so easy to have a little tweet when BG is playing!

Ok I've emails to reply to and a little catching up to do, BG and OH are napping so I'm allowed on!


Thursday, 1 October 2009

Pampers and UNICEF's 1 Pack = 1 Vaccine Campaign - The Gift Of Life

On Monday I had the great honour to attend a press conference in London for the launch of this year’s Unicef and Pampers 1 pack = 1 vaccine campaign.

I also got the chance to meet some other fab mummy and daddy bloggers! I met Rosie from Rosie Scribble, Tim from Bringing up Charlie, Karin from Cafe Bebe, Hazel from Hot Cross Mum, Babyccino,, Manic Mammy and Mummymaps.

from L-R - Me, Natascha, Tim, Rosie and Karin

We also meet Natascha Mcelhone who is this year’s celebrity ambassador, who is really nice and very passionate about this campaign.

We had a lovely day (well I did) , we had a good amount of time to all have a chat (mainly about kids and blogging!!) then we had the press conference where they explain what they were doing and why they were doing it, then a yummy lunch and more time to chat!!

I suppose I better actually tell you about the campaign!

Pampers has joined forces with UNICEF for the fourth year running as part of its ongoing dedication to helping eliminate maternal and newborn tetanus by 2012.
Since the start of the campaign in 2006, thanks to the support of mums in the UK and around the world, Pampers has provided the funding for a life-saving dose of the Tetanus vaccine for a mother and her baby every two seconds. This amounts to over 200 million tetanus vaccines donated to UNICEF.

This year, together with the support of UK mums, Pampers is hoping to raise the funding for a further 100 million vaccines to help UNICEF eliminate this deadly disease history.
UNICEF and the World Health Organisation (WHO) believe that the goal of eliminating maternal and newborn tetanus could be possible by 2012. UNICEF’s goal is to support countries in achieving maternal and newborn tetanus elimination

So what is maternal and newborn tetanus?
Maternal and newborn tetanus, are deadly diseases caused by bacteria that lives on dead and decaying matter in soil, animal dung and faeces, usually begin with the contamination of an open wound. When the bacteria enter an open wound they begin to work as a nerve toxin (poison), affecting the central nervous system and causing painful and uncontrolled muscle spasms. Tetanus can cause one of the most painful deaths known to man. Anyone can contract maternal and newborn tetanus if they are not vaccinated; however, it is usually newborns and women in remote rural areas without access to antenatal care or immunisation that become infected.

Once maternal and newborn tetanus have been contracted there is no real cure. In rural areas of less industrialised countries where health infrastructure is very limited, almost all infants that are infected with newborn tetanus die. Even today over 90% of the babies that suffer from newborn tetanus and who have no access to treatment facilities will die

Newborn (Neonatal) tetanus occurs when newborns are infected as a direct result of unhygienic birthing practices, such as cutting the umbilical cord with un-sterile instruments, handling it with dirty hands or treating it with contaminated dressings and traditional substances such as ghee, cow dung, ashes and mud. Mothers can be infected with maternal tetanus during an unsafe or unsanitary delivery

Maternal and newborn tetanus are completely preventable through immunisation and hygienic birth practices. Women receiving two doses of tetanus vaccine at least four weeks apart will be protected for three years after the second dose. During that protective period, any babies born to these women will be protected for the first two months of life. Three doses of the tetanus vaccine are needed to fully protect a woman for five years and any babies born to this woman for its first two months.

So what can you do to help? During October, November and December 2009, for every Pampers product purchased with the ‘1 Pack = 1 Life-Saving Vaccine’ logo, Pampers will provide UNICEF with funding for one life-saving tetanus vaccine to help protect a mother and baby in need

I’m not asking you to completely switch to Pampers if its not a brand you buy but if you just switched once in this period that’s 1 extra vaccine!And its not just nappies its wipes as well. If every member of British Mummy Bloggers bought a pack of nappies or wipes that would be 645 vaccines! How easy is that?

You can also open a Virtual Gift For Life and 1 vaccine will be donated! So do that as well or instead!

As bloggers we have been asked to write about and support this campaign, we were also given a physical Gift For Life to pass around, so watch this space for what I will do with mine.

To start the campaign off that launched today I am starting a Gift For Life Meme!

And here are the rules

1 Open the virtual Gift For Life by going here
2 Write a small post on the campaign
3 Pass on to 5 other bloggers
4 Add the campaign badge to your sidebar
5 Feel incredibly proud that you are helping to make a difference!!

I am passing the Gift Of Life onto:

I will be updating you on the campaigns progress over the next three months and watch out for more posts on the campaign!

Thank you in advance for your help and support

Saturday, 26 September 2009

Sneak Preview..

Keeping this secret has been killing me!! I've been given permission to give you snippet about where I'm going on Monday.

I and a group of Parent Bloggers have been invited to London to be a part of Pampers and UNICEF's 1 pack = 1 vaccine campaign. We've have been asked to be ambassadors!

I am both excited and extremely honored to be asked, now I can't give you many details (mainly as I don't know much my self!) but I will give you the full story Monday. I will probably be blogging on the trip home!!

Phew that feels good to tell you all!

Have a great weekend



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