Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Becoming My Mother My Deep Dark Fear

We often joke that we are becoming our mothers, normally because of something we say or the way we do things and its normally laughed off and we carry on. But if someone was to say to me I was becoming my mother it really would be the end of the world for me!

My biggest fear is becoming my Mother, that sounds really harsh doesn't it? Let me tell you a little bit about my mother and I'll let you make up your own mind.

My mother was really young when I was born, 15 in fact (she fell pregnant at 14). Two and a a halfs years later came No1 sister. Then my mum and dad divorced when I was about 6ish my mum had two more children with her second husband, my brother is 8 years younger then me and No2 sister is 10 years younger then me.

Not long after No2 sister was born, my mother left us. She went to work and didn't come back for 6 months. To start with my and No1 sister were sent to live with her parents and my brother and No2 sister went to live with my step-dads parents. I'm not sure how long we were there for but me and No1 sister soon moved to my dad's parents and we started new schools and life went on.

My mother then returned she had moved to London and started a whole new life and then decided to come back. We started to visit her at weekends then one day she asked me and No1 sister who we wanted to live with and we said with her, so we stayed. Police were involved then it went to court, my mother won custody of us and we went to live with her.

Not long after that our house was repossed, you see my mother likes to spend and spend and spend even when she has no money to spend. This was the first and unforunatly not the last time we were evicted from our home.

When I was 15 my mother, left her husband and married step-dad number 2 (My step-dads are a whole nother post). We were moved to watford then back to Essex, then we moved to peterborough when I was 16 so they could run a pub.

I would like to say life was good but it wasn't, the pub didn't last long so we moved to rented accomodation. My mother and step-dads had jobs on and off but there were times I was the only breadwinner in the house, and I only had part time jobs as I was at 6th form then college.

In the July of 1999, I went to a music festival in Belgium I was 19, when I returned from  my weekend away my mother and step-dad had had an argument and he had moved out. That summer was the worst of my life, my step-dad shit stirred a lot, he blamed me for the break up (I wasn't even there!) and many other things. What he didn't know was my mother was having an affair with his best friend.

Unfortunalty my mother *forgot* to pay the rent (and many other bills) and we were being evicted. The plan was the day before the evictionme and my mother would go to the local council and see about being rehoused.

When I woke up that morning I knew something was wrong I could  feel it in my stomach. I got up and my mother wasn't there, so I walked into town to see if she was at the council and she wasn't. I opened my purse to find some change for the phone so I could ring home. Instead of money I found a letter, my mother had left us again. She had choosen her husband over us and a little piece of me died inside.

Before this happened my mother was my best friend, we did everything together, we went shopping, clubbing we even went to college together and she left us. Even worse she actually blamed me.

Its been 10 years since she has left and I have had nothing to do with her, I can't bring my self to talk to her. My brother and sisters have all been in contact with her, though No2 sister no longer see's her after they had an argument about husband number 4!!

Yes she is now divorced from the man she left us for and is married for the 4th time and is she happy? No!

She keeps leaving, then coming back. She's forever in debt and No1 sister is now doing what I used to do, bail her out. You would think that she would learn from her mistakes but she hasn't. Thankfully I have, I try to make sure that my life is completly different from hers.

What I've told you today, is only half of the crap we put up with as kids, the stories I could tell would make you cry, they make me cry.

So thats why my deep dark fear is becoming my mother and her deep dark fear I think is being alone, thats why she keeps getting married, I don't think there has been a time when she hasn't had a man in her life. Unfortunatly she has a bad marriage and children that don't talk to her!


This was written for the Sleep is For The Weak writing workshop


  1. (((A million hugs))) You do know her irisponible behaviour has nothing to do with you don't you. She's just one of those 'Grass is always greener' toxic people my Nan is exactly the same. But the trail of destruction they leave behind them is stunning. You're not going to ever become your mother because you're nothing like her. Much Love xx

  2. Aw Carol, that's really sad ((hugs)) I am sure you will never become like that as you know how it feels to be on the recieving end of deceit and rejection. You have done so well to make a new life for yourself. Your mum sounds like she just wasn't mature enough to handle her life, its so sad you have been on the recieving end.
    There are things my parents have done/still do that I make a positive decision not to repeat, nothing like what you have been through, but I think we can all learn from our upbringing and make decisions about how we will parent our own children.
    Thanks for sharing this, a very honest thought provoking post.

  3. Hunny you will never ever be like her, I know you and you are too caring and you and BG will always be close, you have such a bond.

    I think you are amazing for coming through it all so sane, you are an amazing mother and person (((hugs)))

  4. I am so sorry you went through this. Over the years I've known quite a few people whose mothers chose their boyfriends/partners over their kids. It's incomprehensible to me how anyone could be so cruel. But of course your mum was very young when she had you. What a terrible shame she has missed out on seeing you happy with your family. One day she will look back and realise what she's lost.

  5. Goodness Carol, I had no idea you had been through so much with your family.

    You are so brave to have survived all this, and to have become such a wonderful mum to BG - you put your own mother to shame with your hard work and your devotion.

    I haven't your experiences but my dad got involved with someone who sounds likes your mum. Needing to be with someone, but it never being good enough. He was relationship no.3 and she soon got bored and left us all devastated. I miss my step brother and sister so much - her actions (and affair) make it very awkward for us to stay in touch.

    I found all this hard enough so I can't imagine what you have been through.

    You are right, it is her loss in the end, but I'm so sad for you that you haven't been able to have the relationship with her that I'm sure you would have wanted.

    Such a brave post. ((Hugs)) to you xxx

  6. Massive hugs, it's clear to see from your blog and twitter posts that you are not and never will be anything like her.

  7. I think the fact that you can look at her life and see the mistakes, the hurt and devestation she left behind is a sure sign that you are not, and never will be, like her. It must have been a hard post to write. thank you sharing it with us.

  8. You amazing, mature, brave woman. You will never become your mother: she has never been any of those things.
    My mother married my Dad at 17. I was lucky he is such a wonderful man otherwise I would have had to be aborted, as they had to get married because of me. I would always come 2nd in her life, because she chose my father - she didn't choose me. Her latest trick was to withhold the news that my Uncle had died (I learned about on Twitter) because she was in a strop with me (I am 43 she is 60).
    I have nothing to do with her, either: and like you it is a measured and positive choice to protect ourselves and our own new families.
    I wish you all the happiness in the world.

  9. A very brave post. It is clear that it took a lot for you to write it, but be assured that I can see no evidence that you are repeating her lifestyle patterns, and cycles can be broken.
    Wishing you all the best.

  10. This is the first post of yours I have read and I can already tell that you will never become her. You are self aware, and clear thinking and that will keep you safe. You should be very proud to have survived this toxic upbringing to become a well balanced human being. Sending you much love and happiness x

  11. A very brave post. You can tell from your tweets and your blog that you are NOTHING like her. It is possible to break the cycle and you are a very good mum x

  12. You will never become her i think i would bet good money against it. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that ((hugs)) xxxx

  13. Oh sweetheart - you poor, poor lamb. I'm so sorry for you that you've had to go through all of this...but seriously, it's obvious just how much you adore your Baby girl and I know you would always put her that alone means that you are nothing like her. But I understand where you're coming from. If I've ever had an argument with my husband, the only thing he can say that really gets to me is the obvious - 'you're just like your mother'. And although I totally love and care about my Mother and her me, she has had and still does have terrible mental health problems. When I was 6 she was sectioned and taken to hospital and stayed there for quite a long time. Even now she still takes medication on a daily basis and has awful manic episodes which are very hard to handle, so much so that it's very scary to be around her. I am very grateful that there is still a lot of love between us, but when my husband says that I'm just like her, it stings a great deal! Big hugs to you and let's just be thankful that not all of us turn out like our mothers!!

  14. BG is lucky to have you as a Mum. You will never repeat this pattern, you are self-aware and on the right path in life. Yeah, you'll have your ups and down but you will put your kids first.
    Fabulous post xx

  15. Wow, what an incredible story and brave of you to write it. i'm sure you will not be like her because you have the awareness she obviously never had.... and from what i read you are a great mum. keep being you, and you wont become her...

  16. I commented earlier but my iPhone ate it.... Anyway... This post spoke to me in a lot of ways. I've shared your fear for a long time and had some of your experience. Your mother has really acted towards you in a hurtful way. It sounds like she was and is very focused on what suits her and probably hasn't grown up in a lot of respects. You're already much further down the road than she is. Even though it no doubt hurts, don't ever blame yourself for what she has done and shame on her for blaming you. Her behaviour reflects on her, *not* you. I don't have the greatest of relationships with my own mum. We didn't speak for a few months (one in a long line of fall outs) and at the moment things are OK. I stopped being afraid I'd be like her when I realised how totally different we are. My mum had me at 19 and I had my kids at 29 onwards. They come at things from a totally different perspective and feel hard done by like their youth has been robbed. You really aren't the same as her - the fact that you're more connected with yourself and can write this is more than she ever could. Keep moving forward and don't get caught up in her drama. Hugs x

  17. Its clear that you'll never be like your Mum as you care too much about your family and put them first. I'm sure your own experiences as a child have helped you realise what you want for your family.
    I must let you know that a blog you wrote in September inspired me to start blogging. Keep up the good work.

  18. That must have been so hard to write but like everyone else has said, it sounds like you've already broken the cycle and you are not like her. I have issues with my own Mum that have affected me deeply but I still have her so I can't imagine what you've been through.
    Keep getting lots of hugs from that baby and be very proud of who you are. You will never be like your mother.

  19. Liz - Thank you hun, its hard not to think its not your fault. I know its not but it still plays with your mind

    Juiceytots - Thank you, I think the decision not to be like my mother was set at an early age.

    WADs - Thank you hun that means a lot x

    Liz - I'm sure she will, she's missing out on two granddaughters

    Josie - Thanks hun, its funny I forget that not everyone knows about my past and what I've written is only half of it, but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger x

    Very Bored Housewife - Thank you x

    Heather - It was harder then I thought to write x

    Dotty Finlow - Thank you x

    Catharine Whitney - Thank you, it was tough x

    geriatric mummy - I am proud, I'm proud of my brother and sisters too x

    Victoria - Thank you hun x

    Amy - Thank you hun x

    Maternal Tales - wow you had it harcd as well, hugs back to you x

    Weston super-mum? - Thank you hun x

    mummy-mania - Thank you x

    Natalie- I was 28 when BG was born, and that was on purpose I din't want to have a baby too young. I'm sorry you have a tough relationship with your mum x

    Karen - Thank you and what post?

    Jo Beaufoix - Thank you hun, it wa hard but I think I needed to write it x

  20. That's an amazing post. You've obviously had to grow up very quickly. Your awareness of what your mum did to you and your siblings will make sure you never end up like her.

  21. I'm sending ((hugs)). It must have been harder to write but much much harder to live through.

    I barely know you, but what I've seem from you online tells me that you are nothing like your mum.

    It's evident that you are devoted to BG and adore her.

    ((More Hugs))


  22. Carol, what a hugely difficult thing to have gone through. It's very clear that you will never turn out like your mother - you are far too self-aware and caring, for that. Thank you for sharing that with us - a very brave post.

  23. Notsuchayummymummy - A grew up far too quickly and will make sure that never happens with BG

    Insomniac Mummy - Thank you hun x

    Coding Mamma - You're welcome and thank you x

  24. Wow, what a lot you have been through. An amazing and brave post. Hugs to you.

  25. i would love to tell you otherwise but i am 52 and still have such fears of being like my mother, she died as a hobo in a shelter and was lonely and all alone. i hated my mother and guess i still do although i feel the word is very strong and harsh but it's always there. i won't go into detail about all that was done to me by my mother( i often think..what a different lady i would have turned out to be if God had blessed me with a different, loving, nuturing, stable level headed mother) i know it's esay to think " get over it, don't blame your parent, your an adult get on with your life and stop moping about it and feeling sorry for yourself) well i try, i have read books, educated myself and am always trying to do better but this evil demon has such a grip on me that it is scary. the one thing that scares me is they say " what you fear you become) i on the outside have done ok especially looking at the 2 beautiful girls i raise but all the years of wasted energy on second guessing eveything i do ,,, well has taken it's toll.i think it's even scarier now because i am at the age when i remember evetything negitive my mom was doing at the age i am now. i have made so many mistakes in life and i feel these were supported by my low self image and total fear that i lost insight to many things and many years.
    please, please don't let your fears consume you daily as i have done, think positive and believe in yourself and remember God does not make rubbish or mistakes.
    much love

  26. I thought I had commented on this before. I once wrote a blog post about how I feared I was becoming my parents. A lovely kind blogger went out of his way to point out to me that I was never going to turn out like them in the ways I didn't want to because I knew what I didn't want to be like. You won't make the same mistakes either.


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