Thursday, 26 November 2009

The Baby

So this is the last part of the story...The Baby

We were taken up to the maternity ward where I was cleaned, dressed and left to rest. BG slept beside me and OH just watched us both.

It was then time to feed BG, as it went well the first time I thought that it would be easy to breastfeed BG but it wasn't at all. BG would latch on suck a few times then come off, she would then start screaming and wouldn't latch back on, after trying a few times, we left it for a while for her to calm down. Now I would just like to say that the midwife's were fantastic I was very fortunate to have a lot of one to one time with them.

Each time we tried to get BG to attach she would scream and scream, then once attached the same again a few sucks then she would stop. When she was attached she made a funny sound and the midwife was concerned so she told the doctors. I tried everything to get BG to attach but she wasn't having any of it, I tried hand expressing so that some would come out and intice her but nothing. I even tried an electric pump so she would at least have some colstrum by syringe even if she wouldn't have it directly from me but nothing came. At one point I had a midwife with my one boob in her hand trying to BG to latch and the electric pump on the other and yet nothing. They explained that because I had lost a lot of blood that it may take a while for the milk to come through.

That night once the visitors had all gone and OH was finally set home, the doctor came to do BG's 6 hour check up and to see about the funny sounds she's been making. The doctor heard a murmur on her heart so she had to spend the evening in the SBU to monitor. I was very very scared and really emotional and in a horrendous amount of pain but I went up there with her. This was not easy and extremly painful to move but they took me up in a wheel chair so I could sit with her for a while. The did some blood tests and hooked her up to a mointor. They tested her oxgyen levels and they had to  check her glucose levels because of the diabetes I had. I stayed with her as long as I could, but I couldn't stand the pain and was so exhuasted so they took me back down to the ward and I gave permission to give a small amount of formula from a syringe as I wasn't producing any milk.

They brought her back to me at 5am and she had slept all night through and when they re checked her heart the murmur had gone and I was so relieved. However she still wouldn't breastfeed, so the routine started again, trying to get her to latch, breast pump on etc etc. Eventually some colstrum came out so she was feed that through a syringe but it was a tiny amount.

On the Sunday they weighed her and she had lost over 10% of her body weight and was becoming jaundice, the doctor put us on a feeding schedule and BG had to be fed every 3 to 4 hours. It was at this point I had to make a decesion do I keep trying to breastfeed in the hope that my milk comes through soon or do I put her on formula. I waited for OH to arrive and we decided to put her on formula, I was really worried about BG she had lost so much weight and was becoming ill, so the plan was to use formula until my milk came through then try breastfeeding again.

The little minx took to the  bottle of formula straight away, no trouble with sucking at all. She was on a the schedule for 24 hours, they re-weighed her and she had put weight on and her glucose levels were good and finally on the Monday afternoon, a week after I had been admitted we were allowed home.

The journey home was very painful, the short walk to the car nearly killed me. My milk also decided to come in on the journey home, by the time I got home I was in pain from the section and though my boobs were going to explode. Now I did the unspeakable when I got home I pumped and dumped, I was in so much pain and nothing was sterilised. I was expecting to be using it so soon and wasn't prepared for bottle feeding, we had to bring home some ready made bottles and we didn't have any formula in.

Now I bet you're asking your self why didn't I just try to breastfeed as my milk will come through, well (and I never told anyone this before) I was scared she wouldn't latch on, I couldn't cope with the rejection. Sounds really stupid I know, but she screamed everytime I tried to latch her on, then if she finally latch she would only suck a few time, but with a bottle she took the whole lot, really easily! It hurt me, it hurt me a lot and I couldn't handle that.

So I expressed for two weeks so she would have breast milk but I never tried breastfeeding again and yes I feel like the worse mum in the world but thats how my brain worked at the time. My milk finally dried up and she went back on to formula. It was hard work expressing constantly but I would have kept going but the milk just went.

It took my ages to accept my decision the stay with formula, I hated being asked the question "are you breastfeeding?", I felt I had to defend my self and would go into the long story of why I'm not breastfeeding my baby. I still feel guiltyto this day that I didn't try again but when I look at my bright, clever, happy baby I don't feel so bad.

The first two weeks were hard for me I really struggled after the section, I found it difficult to move and the pain was quite intense. I am so grateful for the help and support OH gave me, he did all the nights for those weeks so I could rest and sleep and is still the most doting dad. I coudn't imagine our lifes without him.

BG is the most important person in my life and this last year has been amazing. To watch her grow in a walking, talking person is a fantastic experience and I look forward to see what to she has to show me next.

My pregnancy and birth may not have been easy for me but it was definatly worth it!

So to my Baby Girl who is one tomorrow Happy Birthday Mummy loves you very very much xxx



  1. Lovely after everything you went through I'm not surprised you couldn't breastfeed - you must be kinder to yourself, not breastfeeding is not a bad thing to do, formula feeding meant your baby got the food she needed when she needed it

    You are a great mother and the fact you worry about feeding is just a big sign of that - if you'd fed her blended hamburgers it would be one thing but you gave her formula which is not poison - it saves babies lives every day

    I wish I could come over and give you a big hug I really do

  2. Happy Birthday BG ! Do not feel guilty about not breastfeeding there is far too much pressure on Mums to do it. My eldest didn't take to it either yet instantly took to a bottle. Youngest took to breastfeeding instantly but then I wanted to change to bottle so I could have a break but he was having none of it. All babies are different and I don't beleive that breast milk is better for their health or development either. It's my son that was breastfed for 9 months that grew absolutely huge as a baby, suffers with allergies and excema, was such a terrible sleeper that it put me off ever having more children and still gives me more problems with his behavior than my other son.

  3. Happy birthday BG xxxx

    Thanks for sharing. I love reading a birth story. I know what you mean about the fear of rejection... different circumstance, but same fear.

    When I gave LG a bottle of formula, she was the same, she loved it. But then she is a little piggy!! xxx

  4. Happy birthday BG!!!! My second baby wouldn't latch on either she was just not interested at all and she munched formula no problem. Don't feel guilty about bottle feeding all my 4 were and are bottle fed. I will try to BF this time like i did with all the others but i just don' think i am good at it lol xxx

  5. don't feel guilty darling - look at what a beautiful daughter you have! I had to do mixed feeding with Char when she was two weeks old because she was losing weight but look at her now at the grand old age of 13 - You did the best you could under the circs with BG - and that is all any mother can do - maybe less pressure on mothers to breastfeed would help. As for Cam he had to go onto goats milk at three months and seems to have done all right for his first decade!! BG is lucky to have you as a mother so don't feel guilty - you have so much to be proud of xx

  6. Oh and I sooooooo know the pain after CS - especially having had two emergency CS - won't be going there again!! xx

  7. My little one was also born after an emergency c-section and I had a terrible time breastfeeding to start with. After a sleepless night with her screaming with hunger, I was a complete mess. Three different maternity nurses told me I was doing everything right, but then another came to speak to me. She was a breast feeding specialist, and sat with me and taught me some particular techniques, which seemed very strange at the time, but totally worked! I never had a single problem after that (not so much as a chafed nipple!) and breastfed my daughter until she naturally weaned herself at 10 months. But if I hadn't been lucky enough to speak to that amazing nurse on that day, I would have gone home and struggled, just as you did, and probably would have ended up bottle feeding too - just to make sure my baby was getting the sustenance she needed. Breastfeeding is not as simple as you assume it will be and a huge percentage of women experience problems. You tried your best under difficult circumstances. x

  8. Muddling Along Mummy - Thank you darling, you know how to make me feel bettter x

    Jennysnail - I think I'm just a natural worrier!

    And there were three - Thank you hun. Bless little LG x

    Amy - Lol I'm sure you are x

    Singlesmamasrock - Thank you hun xxxx

    Jacqui - Thank you, you we're very lucky to meet that nurse x


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