The Gallery - Emotions

The subject for this weeks Gallery is emotions, now its a special Gallery this week as its teaming up with Sleep Is For The Weak Writing Workshop, which means only one post to do this week! 

Its a tough trying to put words and pictures together and me being a dumb blonde came up with a great idea then realised that the word I was thinking of wasn't actually an emotion so I'm kinda cheating!

I feel frustrated, sad, depressed, worried, despair, angry and miserable when I am tired. 

I feel happy, gleeful and loving when I am tired.

I'm quite often tired, almost everyday. 

Today I am tired,

I was tired yesterday,

And I will be tired tomorrow

Today I am a Mum,

I was a Mum yesterday,

And I will be a Mum tomorrow. 

That makes me happy,

And the tiredness slips away.

Don't forget to visit the Gallery on Wednesday to see everyone else's posts. 

When The Darkness Comes

I'm cheating slightly this week with my Writing Workshop post as its a poem I've already written, but I would like to share.


I choose prompt 2. What does depression feel like to you? This is what it feel like to me 

When the Darkness comes I can't breathe,

My head pounds and my mouth goes dry.

When the Darkness comes I just want to hide,

Loneliness is my friend.

When the Darkness comes I cry and cry,

I don't always know why.

When the Darkness comes I am scared,

Panic rises inside me.

When the Darkness comes I am paralysed,

I wish I could run away.

When the Darkness is gone I am free,

Until the next time it appears.

Writing Workshop - Time

I have attempted poetry again for Josie's Writing Workshop. 

I choose prompt 5 Time 

Time passes slowly,

It is fleeting,

It stands still,

It runs out.

Time passes to quickly,

It waits for no man,

It can’t be turned back,

It goes by.

We ask for less time,

We beg for more,

It never ends,

It stops still.

Time heals all wounds,

The hands of time wave goodbye,

Minutes, hours, seconds go by,

We watch it but never see it.

It speeds up, slows down and stops,

There is never enough of it,

Time is our friend,

Time is our enemy.

There will always be time,

Ours will run out,

Someone else’s will begin. 

I'm Scared

I’m scared I’m a bad mother

I’m scared I’ll turn into mine

I’m scared people with laugh

I’m scared they won’t read it

I’m scared I won’t reach my full potential

I’m scared I already have

I’m scared you won’t love me forever

I’m scared you will

I’m scared I’m not enough

I’m scared I’m too much

I’m scared I’ll fail

I’m scared I’ll succeed


I'm scared to be heard
I'm scared I'll be ignored

I’m scared to try

I’m scared what will happen if I don’t

I’m scared I’ll disappoint you

I’m scared I all ready do

I’m scared to let go

I’m scared if I don’t let go what will happen

I’m scared I will always be bitter

I’m scared to forgive

I’m scared that you might leave me

I’m scared that I won’t stay

I’m scared to cry

I’m scared to laugh

I’m scared of what might be inside me

I’m scared I can’t let it out

I’m scared every minute of every day. 

This was written for Josie's Writing Workshop, I choose prompt 5. Pick an emotion that best represents your state of mind right now and write creatively on that theme.

Rejection

I wasn't going to do the writing workshop this week, BG has been poorly and I don't feel great. But I read the prompts again today and this is what I wrote.

Why don’t you love me?

What did I do wrong?

Did I hurt you?

Did I Disappoint you?

Was I not the person you wanted me to be?

Sometimes in the middle of the night I cry for you.

You left me and I still don’t know why.

I loved you, wasn’t that enough?

Your rejection turned me bitter and twisted.

I drank to hide the hurt.

I partied, I danced, but the pain wouldn’t go away.

Now I feel numb.

I try not to think of you and how you left.

It kills me inside to know I wasn’t enough.

I little piece of me died when you rejected me.

You left and I never want you back.

I was inspired by prompt 4. Share a time when you felt a deep sense of rejection. 

A Letter To An Old Friend

To My Dearest Old Friend,

I often think of you and the times we spent together, the books we’d read, the music we listen to, the shows we’ve seen. I remember the bad hair styles and the even worse clothes we wore.

There were times when you were my only friend; we’ve been through a lot together. We had such fun, the parties, the drinking, the men, you got me into a lot of trouble on more than one occasion but I didn’t mind.

There are days I really miss you and yearn to be part of that life again, but I made the right decision, it was time to go our separate ways. Who would have guessed I would be settled with a good man and a beautiful daughter. My life is good, I'm happy now.

You were a part of my life for a very long time, you gave me strength and courage when I needed it, but you also sent me down paths of self destruction. You we're my best friend and my worse enemy all in one.

I will always think of you fondly, but I had to leave you behind, I had to move on with my life, I couldn’t carry on the way I was living.

You will always be in my heart and my mind.

Lots of love

Carol

This is a letter to the old me,  the me before I met my other half and had BG.

This was written for Josie’s writing workshop at Sleep Is For The Weak, I was inspired by prompt number 1. Tell me about someone from you past who you lost touch with and who you often think about

Feeling Old

This year I turn 30, and it scares the living day lights out of me. I know it’s not “old” but it’s making me feel old

A few weeks ago and went out and got my haircut. It was getting really long and frizzy and was driving me insane, so I left BG with daddy and went and it chopped short. I came away feeling great about myself, thinking I had had a really cool shortish cut. That was until I went to Musical Mini’s the next day and realised that I had the same cut as half of the other mothers, who were a good 5-8 years older than me, that made me feel old.

Last week OH bought me some new trousers, I’m in a horrible in between sizes stage, nothing fits me and it was getting me down. I choose a pair of brown cords (I have never worn cords before), which I thought would look great with my brown suede trainers; I just look dumpy, dowdy and old.

Me and OH had a BG free night thanks to my best friend, we went to the pictures and then for dinner. Long gone are the nights of drinking and dancing!

8 months after I gave birth to BG my sister who is 10 years younger than me had her first baby that made me feel old.

I’ve started to complain that certain types of music is just noise, I’m starting to sound like my father. That makes me feel old.

You’re only as old and the man you feel they say; he’s 5 years older than me!

I just have to face it I’m getting older; I now need to decide whether I’m going to do it gracefully or disgracefully

NM X

This was writen for the Writing Workshop held at Sleep Is For The Weak. I choose Prompt 1 What’s made you feel a little old lately?

Becoming My Mother My Deep Dark Fear

We often joke that we are becoming our mothers, normally because of something we say or the way we do things and its normally laughed off and we carry on. But if someone was to say to me I was becoming my mother it really would be the end of the world for me!

My biggest fear is becoming my Mother, that sounds really harsh doesn't it? Let me tell you a little bit about my mother and I'll let you make up your own mind.

My mother was really young when I was born, 15 in fact (she fell pregnant at 14). Two and a a halfs years later came No1 sister. Then my mum and dad divorced when I was about 6ish my mum had two more children with her second husband, my brother is 8 years younger then me and No2 sister is 10 years younger then me.

Not long after No2 sister was born, my mother left us. She went to work and didn't come back for 6 months. To start with my and No1 sister were sent to live with her parents and my brother and No2 sister went to live with my step-dads parents. I'm not sure how long we were there for but me and No1 sister soon moved to my dad's parents and we started new schools and life went on.

My mother then returned she had moved to London and started a whole new life and then decided to come back. We started to visit her at weekends then one day she asked me and No1 sister who we wanted to live with and we said with her, so we stayed. Police were involved then it went to court, my mother won custody of us and we went to live with her.

Not long after that our house was repossed, you see my mother likes to spend and spend and spend even when she has no money to spend. This was the first and unforunatly not the last time we were evicted from our home.

When I was 15 my mother, left her husband and married step-dad number 2 (My step-dads are a whole nother post). We were moved to watford then back to Essex, then we moved to peterborough when I was 16 so they could run a pub.

I would like to say life was good but it wasn't, the pub didn't last long so we moved to rented accomodation. My mother and step-dads had jobs on and off but there were times I was the only breadwinner in the house, and I only had part time jobs as I was at 6th form then college.

In the July of 1999, I went to a music festival in Belgium I was 19, when I returned from  my weekend away my mother and step-dad had had an argument and he had moved out. That summer was the worst of my life, my step-dad shit stirred a lot, he blamed me for the break up (I wasn't even there!) and many other things. What he didn't know was my mother was having an affair with his best friend.

Unfortunalty my mother *forgot* to pay the rent (and many other bills) and we were being evicted. The plan was the day before the evictionme and my mother would go to the local council and see about being rehoused.

When I woke up that morning I knew something was wrong I could  feel it in my stomach. I got up and my mother wasn't there, so I walked into town to see if she was at the council and she wasn't. I opened my purse to find some change for the phone so I could ring home. Instead of money I found a letter, my mother had left us again. She had choosen her husband over us and a little piece of me died inside.

Before this happened my mother was my best friend, we did everything together, we went shopping, clubbing we even went to college together and she left us. Even worse she actually blamed me.

Its been 10 years since she has left and I have had nothing to do with her, I can't bring my self to talk to her. My brother and sisters have all been in contact with her, though No2 sister no longer see's her after they had an argument about husband number 4!!

Yes she is now divorced from the man she left us for and is married for the 4th time and is she happy? No!

She keeps leaving, then coming back. She's forever in debt and No1 sister is now doing what I used to do, bail her out. You would think that she would learn from her mistakes but she hasn't. Thankfully I have, I try to make sure that my life is completly different from hers.

What I've told you today, is only half of the crap we put up with as kids, the stories I could tell would make you cry, they make me cry.

So thats why my deep dark fear is becoming my mother and her deep dark fear I think is being alone, thats why she keeps getting married, I don't think there has been a time when she hasn't had a man in her life. Unfortunatly she has a bad marriage and children that don't talk to her!

NM X

This was written for the Sleep is For The Weak writing workshop

That Damn Jamie Oliver DVD!

Me, my dad and No1 Sister have a competition every Christmas to see who can buy the crapest present and trust me we take it very seriously! Some years so seriously that we've spent more time and money on them then the proper presents.


All three of us are so similar that there have been times that we have all bought each other the same presents for each other, including the Jordan Joke book and the Peter Andre and Katie Price CD (and yes we bought them a full price and no she can’t sing!).


I can’t remember how this tradition actually started but I know it’s been going for about 10 years now and mine and No 1 sister’s partner have also got in on it!


No matter how much we all try my Dad always comes up with the best crap gift, over the years these have been simple gifts such as a paperweight engraved with the mission on the company he works for, they were given to all the workers so he recycled it and it is now mine! And very elaborate jokes played on us.


The one I remember the most was years ago when DVD players had just come out, my Dad bought me the film 7 on DVD, now I really dislike that film and I didn’t have a DVD player!! That’s not the joke, he is an evil genius my dad. That year I had to work Christmas day in the Pub I worked in and serve Christmas dinner (to a lot of ungrateful miserable gits!) so we decided to open half of our presents in the morning and the rest when I got in from work.


One of my gifts was a quite large rectangle, and I thought to myself wow dad has bought me a DVD player, I mean while else would he buy me a DVD I couldn’t watch. So I get home from a very long lunch shift, we open our presents and I get to the big box and open it and its a .........................................................hairdryer!!!!!


Yes my Dad had bought a DVD I couldn’t watch and knew that I would think that the hairdryer was a DVD player, evil genius!


Now there is one present that just won’t go away! Though that’s probably because we keep passing it on to each other and that is the Jamie Oliver Christmas DVD. Now if I remember rightly my dad bought it for me, then I passed it back the year after, then my sister got it the year after that and you get the picture.

 It never been watched, it’s still got the plastic cover on it (sorry Jamie) It just goes back and forwards each year, I can’t remember who has it at the moment and I fear its coming my way this year!


We made a deal last year no more crap presents as we didn’t have the money or the space but I know that won’t stop my Dad or that Jamie Oliver DVD being passed on! I just hope it’s not my year or I may force them all the watch at last!


NM X


This was written for the Sleep Is For The Weak writing workshop, I choose prompt no 2