The Baby

So this is the last part of the story...The Baby

We were taken up to the maternity ward where I was cleaned, dressed and left to rest. BG slept beside me and OH just watched us both.

It was then time to feed BG, as it went well the first time I thought that it would be easy to breastfeed BG but it wasn't at all. BG would latch on suck a few times then come off, she would then start screaming and wouldn't latch back on, after trying a few times, we left it for a while for her to calm down. Now I would just like to say that the midwife's were fantastic I was very fortunate to have a lot of one to one time with them.

Each time we tried to get BG to attach she would scream and scream, then once attached the same again a few sucks then she would stop. When she was attached she made a funny sound and the midwife was concerned so she told the doctors. I tried everything to get BG to attach but she wasn't having any of it, I tried hand expressing so that some would come out and intice her but nothing. I even tried an electric pump so she would at least have some colstrum by syringe even if she wouldn't have it directly from me but nothing came. At one point I had a midwife with my one boob in her hand trying to BG to latch and the electric pump on the other and yet nothing. They explained that because I had lost a lot of blood that it may take a while for the milk to come through.

That night once the visitors had all gone and OH was finally set home, the doctor came to do BG's 6 hour check up and to see about the funny sounds she's been making. The doctor heard a murmur on her heart so she had to spend the evening in the SBU to monitor. I was very very scared and really emotional and in a horrendous amount of pain but I went up there with her. This was not easy and extremly painful to move but they took me up in a wheel chair so I could sit with her for a while. The did some blood tests and hooked her up to a mointor. They tested her oxgyen levels and they had to  check her glucose levels because of the diabetes I had. I stayed with her as long as I could, but I couldn't stand the pain and was so exhuasted so they took me back down to the ward and I gave permission to give a small amount of formula from a syringe as I wasn't producing any milk.

They brought her back to me at 5am and she had slept all night through and when they re checked her heart the murmur had gone and I was so relieved. However she still wouldn't breastfeed, so the routine started again, trying to get her to latch, breast pump on etc etc. Eventually some colstrum came out so she was feed that through a syringe but it was a tiny amount.

On the Sunday they weighed her and she had lost over 10% of her body weight and was becoming jaundice, the doctor put us on a feeding schedule and BG had to be fed every 3 to 4 hours. It was at this point I had to make a decesion do I keep trying to breastfeed in the hope that my milk comes through soon or do I put her on formula. I waited for OH to arrive and we decided to put her on formula, I was really worried about BG she had lost so much weight and was becoming ill, so the plan was to use formula until my milk came through then try breastfeeding again.

The little minx took to the  bottle of formula straight away, no trouble with sucking at all. She was on a the schedule for 24 hours, they re-weighed her and she had put weight on and her glucose levels were good and finally on the Monday afternoon, a week after I had been admitted we were allowed home.

The journey home was very painful, the short walk to the car nearly killed me. My milk also decided to come in on the journey home, by the time I got home I was in pain from the section and though my boobs were going to explode. Now I did the unspeakable when I got home I pumped and dumped, I was in so much pain and nothing was sterilised. I was expecting to be using it so soon and wasn't prepared for bottle feeding, we had to bring home some ready made bottles and we didn't have any formula in.

Now I bet you're asking your self why didn't I just try to breastfeed as my milk will come through, well (and I never told anyone this before) I was scared she wouldn't latch on, I couldn't cope with the rejection. Sounds really stupid I know, but she screamed everytime I tried to latch her on, then if she finally latch she would only suck a few time, but with a bottle she took the whole lot, really easily! It hurt me, it hurt me a lot and I couldn't handle that.

So I expressed for two weeks so she would have breast milk but I never tried breastfeeding again and yes I feel like the worse mum in the world but thats how my brain worked at the time. My milk finally dried up and she went back on to formula. It was hard work expressing constantly but I would have kept going but the milk just went.

It took my ages to accept my decision the stay with formula, I hated being asked the question "are you breastfeeding?", I felt I had to defend my self and would go into the long story of why I'm not breastfeeding my baby. I still feel guiltyto this day that I didn't try again but when I look at my bright, clever, happy baby I don't feel so bad.

The first two weeks were hard for me I really struggled after the section, I found it difficult to move and the pain was quite intense. I am so grateful for the help and support OH gave me, he did all the nights for those weeks so I could rest and sleep and is still the most doting dad. I coudn't imagine our lifes without him.

BG is the most important person in my life and this last year has been amazing. To watch her grow in a walking, talking person is a fantastic experience and I look forward to see what to she has to show me next.

My pregnancy and birth may not have been easy for me but it was definatly worth it!

So to my Baby Girl who is one tomorrow Happy Birthday Mummy loves you very very much xxx

NM X